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Masturbation: All not well in the nation

Conservatives have a knack for assaulting things: the Constitution, separation of church and state, gay rights or, in the case of Justice Clarence Thomas, perhaps women in general. But this election season, some on the right have placed their cross hairs on an ancient, if not all-American, pastime: masturbation.

In Delaware, Republican U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell, who is running for the seat vacated by Vice President Joe Biden, has done an exemplary job at making a fool of herself.

In debates with her opponent, the balding policy wonk Chris Coons, who has been branded a Marxist by the conservative media’s intelligentsia, O’Donnell was unable to name a single Supreme Court decision she disagreed with other than Roe v. Wade. She blanked on what the Fourteenth Amendment was (you know, the one that said African-Americans are, in fact, citizens). And she issued a bizarre campaign ad in which she proclaimed “I am not a witch” while sitting in front of a background that looks like there’s a bubbling cauldron just off screen.

O’Donnell is the Sarah Palin mini-me. Her physical and intellectual resemblance to the Mama Grizzly is so eerie it leads one to believe that the X-Files’ Cancer Man himself is behind the Tea Party insurgency.

But perhaps what O’Donnell is most noted for is her 1996 appearance on MTV, where, as the president and founder of the Savior’s Alliance for Lifting the Truth, she proclaimed the sinful nature of masturbation as a “lustful” and “selfish” act. “You’re going to be pleasing each other,” she whined. “And if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?”

Good question, Ms. O’Donnell! While my idea of pleasure in 1996 was a bottomless bag of Sour Patch Kids, I may be able to shed some light on this issue. Men love to masturbate. They always have, and they always will. Ancient art shows men and women (more men than women) playing with themselves as far back as antiquity. The college male specimen can attest to this better than anyone, whose go-to source for entertainment when all else fails is almost always porn.

To be honest, Ms. O’Donnell, I’m not really sure why you’re in the picture – both sexually and politically. I suppose despite our affinity for porn and the skills men develop due to 24/7 access to the equipment, it would be fair to say you’re not really needed. But while most men “spank the monkey,” “charm the snake” and “free the willy” at least once a day, that doesn’t mean we don’t need companionship. After all, it’s about love, baby.

Although O’Donnell has said she would govern according to the Constitution and not her own inane personal beliefs, that shouldn’t diminish the focus on her religion-inspired lunacy. Religious conservatives have waged a war on the safest form of sex for as long as man has felt guilt. The Catholic Church, of which O’Donnell is a member, has sought to bring salvation to the AIDS-crippled continent of Africa by condemning the use of condoms. Because while millions of Africans have died due to the AIDS epidemic, trillions more “lives” (also known as sperm) are wasted every time men experience sexual pleasure with the help of their right hands or while practicing safe sex.

It’s one thing to practice Bible sex in the bedroom but quite another to preach it to the nation. While O’Donnell’s opinions carry nowhere near as much weight as the Pope’s, they can still have an effect on the young and gullible. Telling little Timmy that’s he’s going to hell because he pleasures himself is the equivalent of psychological castration. Although O’Donnell will likely lose next Tuesday, the weight her words carry will continue to reverberate as long as such drivel is considered gospel.

But in the meantime, please, keep your hands off mine – unless you want to help, of course.

Originally published in The Diamondback.

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